"She was someone I loved passionately.

When my youth ended, that existence disappeared from my sight.

Whenever I think of old times, it’s like a dream of beautiful scenes that I shouldn’t remember.

I never called her.

Perhaps I was afraid.

Afraid that I would see those scenes again.

The old memories were mine to keep.  Buried within the depths of my heart"

“ ‘You’ll get over it’… It’s all the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The articulation of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit it. Why would I want them to? Jeanette Winterson’s Body

via sabrina

And you'd wonder why I'm still not seeing anyone.

I keep replaying this scene in my head: 

The meeting with the yardstick. 

We had agreed to meet at outside PS, I was walking from Orchard Mandarin. It was a Friday evening and I was strolling down, half excited, worried from not knowing what to say and frustrated at him for canceling on me a month ago. I made out a slim familiar figure in a distance and couldn't help but smile that big silly smile of mine. There he was and he continued to walk towards me. I had consciously put my nervous sweaty hands into my pockets and when we met, he gave me a huge hug. The enveloping, consuming kind and I could not help but put my arms around him. Gently, he tipped my chin upwards to kiss me for what seemed like 2 minutes at least, in front of the Istana, in full view of traffic and passers-by. His first words to me were "I've missed you." 

Me: I waited. (in reference to him canceling on the date he made two months ago slated for the day before)

Him: Seems like you've waited all year for this.

Me: Me? Nah.

Him: Have you been seeing anyone?

Me: On and off but nothing serious.

Him: It must be my distant Melayu blood and Peranakan genes that makes me seem so attractive to you. 

Me: Or not. I say it's natural selection.

And we launch into a conversation about Darwin and Wells. When we first dated some 7 years ago, he was such a self absorbed himbo, so he's gained a little weight in his cheeks and got a little soft at the sides but when we have conversations like these it makes him drop dead appealing. 

I miss you too. If I didn't get to say it. I miss you when you're not here. 

One of the youth performer bands at the event on Saturday played the song Penny and me. I do agree that it's one of those lovely pop-ish songs with a cheery mood attached to it. I could so picture it in my head. The windows rolled down, driving down a freeway on a clear starry night in a red convertible. And Penny would be a huge golden retriever. My bitch.

My posts are getting shorter and I've yet to succumb to micro-blogging. Slowly now, so little time, so many things to do.

"In the year 3000 YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge into one super-time-wasting website called 'You Twit Face'." - Conan O'Brien

Cab conversation

This morning my cab driver has prophesied that at 25, soon to be degree holder and boyfriend-less that I will not get married because generally women who are higher educated tend to not settle for anything less. So does this means I should put off getting a masters after I get married? LOL.

The conversation reminded me of a clip a friend of mine sent to me a few weeks back.

Stuff that I actually say out loud amidst good company who don't think I'm wierd.

You know guys are lucky that size doesn't always matter. The whole thing about penis sizes baffle me, you won't really know until the clothes come off then it's show hand. But honestly if we came to that, men should just walk around without pants on. Like Donald Duck.

Got ink?

Kugan beat me to putting this up before I could even take a picture of myself. I'm plugging him for doing such an awesome job.

I like.

Sleeping with my eyes open.

Despite being a communications student, sometimes I do think that very few people understand me and the way I think. Maybe that's because I hang on to the few that do. Mid month looms closer. As the wicker burns out fast,  I wish I had someone to lean on for sanity. At this point is not about what I've done, but what I am about to do. For a short while I thought I found my roots, and then poof! like an apparition he disappeared into the night as stealthily as he came. 

I wish you were real. For a moment my mind had conjured up a seemingly perfect situation, but the reality was what i had was a shattered antiquity, my hands bleeding from piecing it back together. What's worse than not knowing why it broke? Trying to figure out whether it was worth the effort trying to put it back together. 

I want my life back as it was. I can do with decadence and a far cry from normal. We are all masochistic in our own little ways. Some more than others. 

Enhanced version 2.0

Rooney gets a pineapple hat and some lipstick, no. 16 whoever you are gets a tube bikini and afro. Why so serious?

Dear V,

While you were away holidaying in UK with ur boyfriend, I had a little fun at your desk.

<3

Soapy

My life according to my friends