Fudgy frustrated cookies.

Y: Why do you have to live so far now?

Me: You moved too! From Upper East Coast!

Y: That's besides the point. I live 5 minutes away from where you work.

Me: .... ok you win.

When decent conversation fails ...

Choose your adventure. Start a conversation with either of the following;

a) How are you?

b) Do you want to shag?

c) Liverpool played a shit game the other day ...

To which I responded

a)

Tired ...

"Would you rather I go home now?"

Don't be silly.

b) ... I'm not sure how to react to that

"Then just say YES!!!"

*throws a dagger piercing look*

c) I care very little for these male homo erotic sports.

"Hey at least I tried"

Subliminal neurotics

I dreamt last night that I had visited Den and his beautiful wife in their spanking new apartment. It's rather weird coz despite being in contact for yonks thanks to the technological advances and the internet, we've never really carried a conversation other than virtually. I've even never heard his voice before. As far as we've been socially connected, I used to be in the school band where his older brother was once a drum major for and we all share the same alma mater, SGS and eventually TP despite going to different disciplines.

Ok back to the weird dream, his wife asked to stay for lunch and being the guest, I offered to help in the kitchen while wife is in the living room entertaining one more person. Strangely, it's something that I would naturally offer to do. I can offer to cook for you but don't ever ask me to clean up, I will shoot you a look as if you were turning green and little horns were sprouting out from the top of your head. 

So we were in the kitchen, a nicely stocked up one I might add and he was preparing fried rice, I helped chopping and stuff and somehow he ended up frying 4 eggs. You got it, frying in oil. Half way through cooking, he started to stir the whites of the eggs around, as if to make a scramble. 

Me being highly intolerable to stupidity kind goes, "What the fuck do you think you're doing." (In its entirely, profanity-driven honest to goodness query) 

 

And Den says that he's making poached eggs because his wife loves them. Which can either sound really sweet or really daft depending on the amount of romantic crap you're into. 

Honestly, if you don't know how to poach an egg, I have a link here. Despite being compared to seagull poop, the vortex method has worked for me. But the bottom line is, you never poach an egg in oil. 

On a random note one of my sexiest conversations, (with the yardstick no less) went down talking about the secret to poaching eggs. Ok I'm being biased here but any cute guy who can talk to me about the correct preparation of food is sexy in my books. 

So, Den and I, we get into an argument, I remember saying something like whatever lah and I wake up feeling like I needed to hit someone in frustration.

It is, in a self diagnosis that I am compelled to believe that I am a neurotic, a control freak (which explains why people tend to believe me when I tell them I'm Hitler's incarnate) and have a disability to clean which spans even up till my subconscious.  

Tonight, I was feeling awfully down until XS provided me with a gem of a solution - delete facebook, explore the world and have a life. I couldn't have said it better myself. 

"I wish I knew how to quit you (facebook)."

Start of something new

Weekend start was awesome. No regrets about riding the guillotine early. We did it guys. All of us together. The euphoria led to some thing else. Thank ye too. 

Having a staged alter ego is sort of like wearing concealer at night, you look great, take on a whole different persona, and after it all ends, you go back to being the same person you were.  

I had a weird dream this afternoon about being on a train that didn't stop looping, lying next to a familiar face, he was smiling at me. I wish someone would really look at me like that. 

C: I need a cause, I hate volunteer work.
Me: What about rehabilitation of whores back into society, you are already in the the RC. (C lives in Geylang - Singapore's red light district)
C: I hate you.

C: What's with that smug look?
Me: I just a mental high five with the little person in my head. SCORE!

Breakfast conversation

@ BK Cineleisure

Me: Way to pick a location

C: (Looking around) What's wrong

Me: Everyone is so frickkin young. This is so not my demographic.

C: Ya, not for the past 10 years at least.  

XS

He came by past noon all dressed up in his reservist gear. We hardly made small talk. He looked thoughtful as if to censor himself. He was always so politically correct. Smart but over self regulated.

He looked great as I had always known him to be, his hair neatly tussled, his smile semi reserved and his clothes hanging off his tight chiseled frame. In short, (haha to the pun coz he was about the same height as I was) he made quite a beach hottie. 

I thought about him as a public figure one day. He still baffles me up till now. He seems promising but as any one with real power or less worldly wise, he'll be bound to make mistakes; some contradicting the past and promises he cannot keep. Then perhaps he'll learn that life or even the press is less forgiving. 

Thnks fr th mmrs, adieu.  

Crime and punishment

The blog's in a public domain, things that I want to leave for myself are usually written in some kind of a cryptic language.

“The guilty is he who meditates a crime; the punishment is his who lays the plot”

I replayed the past events in my head like a visual recording. Did I lead him on or did he lead me on? I only knew that the feeling brought me one of familiarity. Other than a first, guilt doesn't allow me to forget. I know I have the keys to the driver's seat. I should really pick myself up and starting now. On a random note, I have Snow Patrol's Run on my player.

I think its time for another tattoo. Well almost. Other than boy's paw print I haven't really thought of anything else that was deeply meaningful. Perhaps a portrait of my late grandma.

Never say never

1. Height not equal or greater than 1.76m
2. Comes from single child family
3. Younger than me, 3 years and abit.

Sigh.
Sha was practically ROFL-ing all over the place.

First post for 2009

My little sister's birthday falls on the 1st of Jan, poor thing lah her, almost every year (last year being an exception) I sleep half the day away half hungover. Yesterday being no exception, I could not remember what happened half the night, how I ended up with blistered feet or how I even had a change of clothes when I got home. 

I guess the end of a year brings a time where one should reflect upon one's achievements; list them out and decide what they want for coming year. Traditionally I would do that but it would also mean weighing out if I've been naughty or nice for the year. I'm really in no mood for an audit. I'd like to think I'm a healthy balance of both give and take a little. 

New Year's resolutions are simple. 

1. Make better decisions; better meaning more informed and responsible. 

2. Be more vain. Looking thru facebook and the pictures I've been taking I really wonder wtf happened lah. I dress like an auntie, feel like an auntie and then attempt to coop myself up at home watching anime wasting the day away. Being vain also means dragging the FBC out on walks, dressing up for dates, now that I'm actually dating again (although not exclusively), getting a tan, working on looking pretty. 

3. Being more frugal and eating better. I'm an okay cook, I don't know why i put up with eating unhealthy rubbish (re: oil absorbing beehoon that coagulated after a while) lunch that makes me feel like shit when I could pack something more nutritious that tastes heaps better. Oh I remember Jude telling me that I should be a shareholder of Comfort with the number of cab rides I take :( this definitely must change! 

4. More Me time - Reading, self reflection ... speaking of which there's a list I'm supposed to work on, anything that makes me feel better and staying happy.

5. Making time for my friends. Especially the great ones. They deserve it.

Reminscent

In my little emo moments. I think the lyrics say it all. Alanis Morrisette started out fantastic when she first broke out. Angsty women music were kinda big then and she had a great run. I really feel for herlah, her ex-fiance, Ryan Renolds went on to marry ScarletJo who looks like the poster girl for an anatomically perfect woman. She's kinda classier now too. I'd think it'd be so easy to slam them in a song.

I remember Sha telling me that there should be a line to segregate the lines between bestfriend and boyfriend. Was telling Jude how the quality of my conversations now has improved thanks to a certain person who has chosen to "play a role in my life."

Showing signs of recovery

For those of your who don't already know, I suffered an asthma attack last week. I guess the few days I took away from work, school still carried on. Time and tide waits for no man or woman. It was truly a shitty moment. I'm still swamped with work but I really thank the people in my lives who make it slightly ever so bearable. 

People more damaged than I am

(via sms) J: Too many issues, dunno where to start. Me thinks key solution, u should stop rebounding and heal your heart first. Cancer is still very much on your mind, FBC isn’t outwardly what you are willing to settle for and the Yardstick is another variable you shouldn’t be thinking about.

I’ve been dreaming about Cancer. Random things, when I’m awake I tell myself not to think of him and poof … gone. It doesn’t happen when I sleep. I dream of random things that I end up getting upset over and find myself waking up in shock more disgruntled than ever. I start to dread sleep that is not alcohol or drug induced. The dreams have stopped ever since things have progressed with FBC whom has been a nice distraction until now.

I hate it when I’m right about things. What is it with my choice in men? If there’s one thing I’ve learnt is that, despite the many promises, never try to change them. This one is the same as the predecessors, too many issues. I try to steer clear of them especially if it is dealing with fidelity or distance. I have abandonment issues especially after Cancer and all the single and not available men I’ve been dating.

The year-end is drawing near and I have this personal superstition of mine that it does not bode well for me if I spend it alone at home alone.

Yardstick: then i would have had a lot of bad luck over the years...

Me: But like i said, its a personal superstition.

Yardstick: i make my own luck :p

This pattern I’ve noticed over a span of 6 years so who can contest that huh? Don’t get me wrong, its not as if I’m scrambling to be a dick warmer of any sort. Thankfully I’ve not resorted to that sort of desperation.

I’ve had some nice invites for NYE, (thank ye Wayne and yes I am aware that IDR exchange rate is 8K to SGD $1, I super miss the guys down under and a 16 hour flight across the world is waay out of my budget) I’m really contemplating getting totally wasted although it’s a nice thought but I really don’t want to spend time making out with a random stranger. Beer googles and being alone has a knack of getting to you. What I really want is to be around the people who are important to me.

Happy endings

FlawedKnight® says: (9:33:37 PM)

woot you are in love!

Philosophie says: (9:33:45 PM)

lol

FlawedKnight® says: (9:33:55 PM)

congrats lah

its about time

Philosophie says: (9:33:59 PM)

what makes you say that?

FlawedKnight® says: (9:34:04 PM)

your blog lah

Philosophie says: (9:35:00 PM)

i'll neither acknowledge or deny that

lol

FlawedKnight® says: (9:35:08 PM)

lol

FlawedKnight® says: (9:35:13 PM)

i'll take that as a silent yes

FlawedKnight® says: (9:35:20 PM)

grats! woot!

FlawedKnight® says: (9:35:24 PM)

love is in the air!

Philosophie says: (9:35:25 PM)

very silent

FlawedKnight® says: (9:35:25 PM)

yay!

FlawedKnight® says: (9:35:33 PM)

but still a yes, nonetheless

I told the FBC that its strange when I write about him. Honestly, I am extremely inspired by what he has to say because it always provokes an opinion not necessarily agreeable with his. The thing about this exchange is the debate that matters not the outcome. 

The thing about blogging is that what we share is something much too complex and real for the one dimensionalism of the written word. No happy endings here because in true Sophie's fashion, I never want happy to end. 

The strangest things he says.

There's this island right ... it was called Phuket and it's in Indonesia. For all you geographically impaired people Phuket is here.

I think Old Chang Kee does their own advertising. I mean remember the pregnant curry puffs? That's the grossest thing I've ever seen. And why would I want to eat a curry puff within a curry puff?

Yah and you know what would be really scandalous, finding a sardine curry puff within a curry curry puff. 

Image taken from official website

How do you even go to sleep at night knowing that you ate some baby curry puff for tea!

It's times like these that I look upon and I understand why I am so unspeakably attracted. He makes me laugh till my cheeks hurt. 

I saw sparks

Awwww.

TGIF

In conversation

Mobile (sms) Attraction

FBC: Buying subway now. Thinking of getting your favourite sour cream chips.

Me: Cookie! White chocolate macadamia!!

FBC: Really? Strange I have the same craving

Me: That's why you are so incredibly attracted to me

FBC: Mmmm I thought it was your personality, smile, sense of humour, looks and more

Me: You shallow person you!

FBC: I know I'm terrible

Me: This is one of those moments where I go awww that's terribly cute, lean in and kiss you

FBC: I'm blowing a stream of kisses right now

Me: That's wasting kisses ... like air freshener in a busy toilet! Stop it!

Dialog worthy of modern age rom-coms.

In life, if you don't give head, you don't get head

After my breakup with Cancer, I was having a conversation with the Yardstick over one martini too many. He was leaving and I drank waaaay too much even for my standards. Imagine me slurring and me shifting precariously on the bar stool.


"Marriage should be like a business transaction. I mean look at my parents 13 years of marriage later, my dad goes off to marry a woman not much older than me. Fast forward another 12 years later, now he's telling me that he's tired of his new wife. And talking to me as if I'm his friend as if to get sympathy or validation. WTF. I should be the last person who should believe in love. There is no love. It's non-existent! There can only be lust and sex."


He listens obviously amused and asks me to tell him more about the business transaction.


"You see natural selection will not allow me to shag an ugly guy. Simply because I'm not ugly, I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I'm not ugly. You've got to be one of the best looking guys around in the bar and yet you're fixated on me."


At this point he laughs, looks around, two well dressed chicks pass him and says, that's because you have the nicest tits here.

Image used for editorial purposes only.

"Well at least they're good for one thing," I answered in a deadpanned voice.

So I reckon if I could one day find me a man who supported my endeavors, have aesthetically average looks, have 2.5 kids, an apartment and provided food on the table, I might cave and settle as opposed to going into academia, getting published, writing a novel, writing a cook book. Becoming an alcoholic, doing drugs, dying young. 

If I really wanted to be an overachiever, I'll marry an Indian Eurasian, my kids will defo enter Ms Singapore Universe. Or Ms Tiffany if they're as fucked as I was.

On the superficials

Time mellows people. I have this thing for guys with huge eyes that sparkled with life. The yardstick once said, over a bottle of wine after dinner, "we'd probably make beautiful kids together." Not that I was in a baby producing moment but it was the way he lowered his gaze upon me, invitingly. And of course being the yardstick he was prefect in every way. 

This weekend I learnt something very important about sight. It goes beyond what we can see, what we chose to see but most importantly what we can do by seeing. A deceivingly tiny pair of eyes saw more than I ever had, opened my mind and heart to hope and possibility. I think that was the best gift I could receive. Whatever happens, at least we'll laugh at the same potty jokes.

On a separate note, I'm having a fat day. I was looking at a particular picture which i took after my cousin's wedding, I cannot imagine how big my boobs will I'll be if one day I were to have kids. I'd post the picture up but it'll cause some sort of a nose bleed inducing moment according to someone I forwarded it to.