Monday, December 8, 2008

People more damaged than I am

(via sms) J: Too many issues, dunno where to start. Me thinks key solution, u should stop rebounding and heal your heart first. Cancer is still very much on your mind, FBC isn’t outwardly what you are willing to settle for and the Yardstick is another variable you shouldn’t be thinking about.

I’ve been dreaming about Cancer. Random things, when I’m awake I tell myself not to think of him and poof … gone. It doesn’t happen when I sleep. I dream of random things that I end up getting upset over and find myself waking up in shock more disgruntled than ever. I start to dread sleep that is not alcohol or drug induced. The dreams have stopped ever since things have progressed with FBC whom has been a nice distraction until now.

I hate it when I’m right about things. What is it with my choice in men? If there’s one thing I’ve learnt is that, despite the many promises, never try to change them. This one is the same as the predecessors, too many issues. I try to steer clear of them especially if it is dealing with fidelity or distance. I have abandonment issues especially after Cancer and all the single and not available men I’ve been dating.

The year-end is drawing near and I have this personal superstition of mine that it does not bode well for me if I spend it alone at home alone.

Yardstick: then i would have had a lot of bad luck over the years...

Me: But like i said, its a personal superstition.

Yardstick: i make my own luck :p

This pattern I’ve noticed over a span of 6 years so who can contest that huh? Don’t get me wrong, its not as if I’m scrambling to be a dick warmer of any sort. Thankfully I’ve not resorted to that sort of desperation.

I’ve had some nice invites for NYE, (thank ye Wayne and yes I am aware that IDR exchange rate is 8K to SGD $1, I super miss the guys down under and a 16 hour flight across the world is waay out of my budget) I’m really contemplating getting totally wasted although it’s a nice thought but I really don’t want to spend time making out with a random stranger. Beer googles and being alone has a knack of getting to you. What I really want is to be around the people who are important to me.


Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation, when folks get drunk at our NYE party, it ends up with silliness and fun and nothing really sexual (except juvenile puns, but you deal with that from me when I'm SOBER anyway). As hokey as it sounds, it's all really sweet at The House of the Rising Drunks (in an alcohol-induced sorta way).

Also: "dick warmer" is a fantastic euphemism for "slut" that I'm going to start using the next chance I get.

Anonymous said...

i is anonymous

heal the world..
make it a better place..
for you and for me and the entire human race...